[2] The
two special agents of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service stepped
cautiously into their supervisor’s office. Typically, whenever Dan
Archer bellowed his beckonings this way, a bad assignment was about
to be doled out. These two agents had received more than their fair
share of those. But even Johnny Hammock and Natalie Savage, two
seasoned veterans of the Agency’s Region 1 office in Portland,
Oregon, weren’t prepared for what they saw laying across Archer’s
desk.
"Uh, what are those Dan?" Hammock asked.
"Well son, what do they look like?" Archer replied.
"They look like endangered banjos. Is this for real?"
Hammock’s blood pressure was slowly beginning to rise.
Natalie Savage just stood there shaking her head. She had heard
about this, but always thought, or hoped, it was a myth.
"That’s right boys and girls, take a look at Les Paul’s
new Loggerhead Line." Archer picked up one of the dozen
stringed instruments piled on his desk and produced an atonal twang.
The body of this banjo-like instrument was made from the complete
shell of a Loggerhead sea turtle. "You know, what’s really
amazing is that these things don’t even make good instruments. It’s
just a novelty…like those gorilla hand ashtrays we had going
around a few years ago. Just for show and tell."
"And if they did make good instruments? That would make it
O.K.?" Hammock muttered.
"What was that?" Archer snapped.
Natalie, sensing Johnny’s rising frustration and Archer’s
intolerance, quickly halted any potential for escalation. "So,
where are we going? These things didn’t wash up on the shores of
Oregon I presume. I hope it’s someplace exciting. I’m ready for
a trip, aren’t you Johnny? Baja, Cancun, Key We…."
"Galveston," Archer cut her off.
"Galveston?"
"Yeah. As in Galveston, oh Galveston. I want you to meet with
some folks from NOAA down there first. They do a lot of research on
Loggerheads and, well, they have some information for us. I told ‘em
we’d send someone down."
While Natalie and Archer discussed the background of this
flagrant violation of the Endangered Species Act, Johnny Hammock sat
listlessly, staring out the window. The Galveston song, made famous
by Glen Campbell during the Vietnam-war era, droned through his
head. "Damn it Archer," he thought, "why’d you have
to mention that song?" Unbeknownst to his co-workers, Hammock,
one of Fish and Wildlife Service's finest, suffered from Old McDonald’s Syndrome.
Believed to be caused by excessive sing-along activities during the
developmental years, this affliction caused its victims to
continuously recite the words and music of songs which held some
particular significance in their lives. All it took was the mere
mention of a song to set it off.
In more serious cases, the victims would mutter, or even sing,
the lyrics out loud. A gathering of such cases on the Jerry Springer
Show had resulted in a rather raucous chorus, as Springer danced
around in the aisles spouting off songs from his cue cards to the
odd assortment of guests on stage. Of course, these particular
victims of Old McDonald’s had also been unfaithful to their
spouses, and were simultaneously being beaten over the head with
large kitchen utensils as they attempted to deliver their
intonations.
Hammock had been truly disgusted with this exhibition…and
disgusted with himself for watching it. The attraction to these
shows was another disease in itself, he thought.
Hammock’s case was not as severe. He could usually keep it in
his head. But it took most of his concentration to do this, leaving
the appearance that he was daydreaming or under some kind of spell.
And at the wrong time, it could be dangerous. Once, while raiding
the establishment of an illegal (and heavily armed) fur trader,
someone had shouted "Cover me!", a Springsteen tune which
Hammock associated with his training days at the Fish and Wildlife
Service. With bullets
zinging by in all directions, Hammock fought to get the song out of
his head. As a last resort, he had had to belt the song out loud
while running, ducking and rolling his way through the raid. He had
found that he could focus on matters at hand much easier if he just
succumbed to the urges brought on by his disease.
Up until now, he had been able to explain away these few episodes
to his incredulous co-workers. "Singing gets me psyched"
was the reasoning that usually deterred any further inquiry.
Fortunately, the incidents had been sparse enough so that it was
unlikely anyone had noticed a pattern.
Of course, listening to the radio on duty was out. Except maybe
for National Public Radio. And he rarely fraternized with co-workers after hours.
Hammock felt strongly about keeping his "affliction"
hidden, and he took whatever precautions were necessary. His new
partner Natalie Savage worried him, though. She seemed particularly
sensitive to his behavior and uncannily aware of his thoughts.
As she was now. "Johnny, you with us over there? You look
like you have something else on your mind."
She was 21, when I left Galveston. Damn! Focus. Focus! The
song reminded Hammock of his older brother who had died in Vietnam.
And it wasn’t going away.
"Hey Hammock!" Archer bellowed.
"Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, I’m fine," he stammered.
"I’ll clean my gun, and dream of Galveston," he hummed,
quickly passing by the two bewildered agents and out of Archer’s
office.