Dear Mum and Dad, I hope you accept
My apology for being inept,
For when I buy pets, with all good intention,
They all turn out to have a dysfunction.
I remember the time Dad was cleaning the toilet,
My fixated goldfish decided to spoil it.
Whilst thinking the bowl was well out of reach,
Dad didn’t consider its craving for bleach.
And then did my tortoise, so sad and depressed,
Believing its life was in such a mess,
Whilst Mother was busily pressing her nylons,
Suddenly throw itself under the iron.
Dad told me how my paranoid parrot
Visioned its death upon reading the tarot.
Burn birdy burn! was the message it found -
Flew into the toaster and went nice and brown.
I recollect my hamster’s fate,
“Drug dealer” the police did state.
An intimate search did then ensue,
Only the electric toothbrush would do.
My rabbit, dear parents, as you did tell it,
Had a big gun with lots of pellets.
Was going to use them, and looked pretty mean,
From inside the washing machine.
And when dear Mother made strawberry milkshake,
My milkomanic cat did quake.
Resistless of the appetiser,
It leapt into the liquidiser.
Now my pony’s little spill,
Because it lacked the chainsaw skills,
Has left me petless. If you can,
May I have an elephant?

David John Rudkin, June 2001