Billy met Johnny and they both met Jill
And they each said hello,
Hello Billy and Johnny and Jill
And Tod the dog went woof.

They went to a shop to buy a nice pet,
Something exotic and unique,
So they bought a goldfish called Peregrin
And Tod the dog went woof.

Peregrin was a good goldfish,
A matey and a pal,
And he was gobbled up by Tod
And Tod the dog went woof.

So they went and bought a boa constrictor,
A boa constrictor called Pat,
And Pat got Billy round the throat and squeezed
And Tod the dog went woof.

So Billy had been constricted to death
So Jill cleavered Pat’s head off,
And the shopkeeper rubbed his hands with glee
And Tod the dog went woof.

Johnny went back and bought a parakeet,
A parakeet called Sam,
Sam lunged at Johnny and plucked out his eyes
And Tod the dog went woof.

So Johnny died of loss of blood
And Jill, she said “Oh bother,”
The shopkeeper rubbed his hands with glee
And Tod the dog went woof.

So Jill bought herself a fluffy hamster,
A mad Mongolian death hamster called Bob,
“Hello Bob,” said Jill. “Squeak squeak,” went Bob.
And Tod the dog went woof.

Jill picked up Bob to cuddle and stroke him,
He went straight for the jugular, squeak squeak,
The shopkeeper rubbed his hands with glee
And Tod the dog went woof.

So the shopkeeper took Tod into his shop,
Away from the bloody mess,
And inside there was a toad called Tim
And Tod the dog went woof.

Tim the Bavarian Red-Eyed Toad
Was highly poisonous,
The shopkeeper rubbed his hands with glee
And Tod the dog went woof.

Tod the dog gobbled up Tim
And writhed in screaming agony,
With a twinkle in the shopkeeper’s eye
Poor Tod went woof no more.


David John Rudkin, May 2001